Be Still

"Be still (cease striving) and know that I am God."

Psalm 46:10

"Be still my heart and know you're not controlling what you fear. Be still my soul find rest and know you're in much greater hands than your own. My cloudy heart will break feel exhausted, I'm frayed. Can't move but can't stop moving. My busy discontent, working harder, I'm spent. Treading lightly, but I know I'm drowning. Help me stop. My faith is often frail, terrified to unveil. Trust you or just keep trusting me. I'm often far behind an image I've refined. But closer to the ground, I'm dirty. Clean me up. Breath in... Be still my heart and know you're not controlling what you fear (feel). Be still my soul find rest and know you're in much greater hands than your own."

Nic Carver

Today was the absolute strangest day I think I have ever had. When people talk about a roller coaster or events and emotions, they usually mean over a period of time: an accumulation of days, weeks, months, or even years. Today I had all of this extensiveness packed into one mere day! I know not whether to be glad about this or annoyed... whatever you want to call it. Six hours ago you would have found me crying as a result of these things. Now you find me laughing and looking ahead. What does this mean for tomorrow, for next week, the rest of my life? How can I change because of it? One thing's for sure - though I would have never recognized it in the midst of today's events - I was the object of some intense spiritual battle. It is serious business. Outside of this context, however, these things now make me want to laugh! What shifts in one's day anyways that makes them cry at circumstances and then turn right around and laugh at them? Emotions are funny like that sometimes.

Disclaimer: I really don't feel like sharing these specific experiences, circumstances, events, and emotions with the world. So if you're that close to me and you'd like to know more of what is behind this lesson, feel free to ask me next time you see me.

What I learned, and am still learning, is this: TRUST. To do just as the Psalmist said, from the lips of God: BE STILL or CEASE STRIVING! To know that God is God in every aspect and rely on that fact! You see, I try to hard. I "strive" too much. Probably because I want to have control of what is happening in my life. In my head. In my heart. ...With my emotions. And I sure have anything but that. Just as Nic put it, I need my heart to be still and know that I am not in control of what I fear and/or feel. Rather, I am in Hands that are much Greater than my own. In that I can rest. But do I? Seems to me I tend to do it mostly when it's easy or only when it is absolutely necessary. This is wrong. And this I must change. Can I change it? No. I don't think so. But God and His Spirit in me can!!!

...He has more power than I could fathom and yet we all tend to put him in a box. Kinda like that childhood song, "If I had a little white box to put my Jesus in, I'd take Him out and kiss His face and put Him back again." WRONG!!! Jesus does not belong in a box, He conquered DEATH for Pete's sake! I kinda have a feeling the tomb He was in was much stronger than our feeble boxes. Furthermore, He deserves more than mere kisses but that of trust and for us to literally DIE to him daily! And may God forbid that if we ever had Jesus in a box that we would dare put Him back in it. God cannot be boxed, so why do we try to do this in our lives so often? Why do I let the little things in life get to me? How much louder must God whisper to me that I can trust Him before I truly listen and obey? How much closer must He get for me to understand He is here, He will not leave, and He is utterly in control of every ounce of my being and those around me? My circumstances included.

I'm not sure I ever will but God has spoken louder to me today than He has in a long time. I say it is time to listen, truly. Whether or not that means I remember tomorrow I'm not sure. But here's my sign. Now it's time to take it one moment at a time. No more of this worrying about the future business: long-term or immediate.

Unexpected Teachers

It seems hard to me to stay focused on God. To chase after the Dream-Maker, not the specific dreams I personally hold to. This struggle intensifies the busier I am. Even more so with each dream I dream and each relationship I build. I am very much a relationally driven person and thrive off of the relationships that I find myself in. Some more than others (i.e. family, boyfriend, mentors, small group, etc.). I find too often I place so much value in these people and in the relationship that I have with them that I lose sight of God and fail to praise and recognize Him as my sustainer and the One who gave me these wonderfully amazing people to begin with! I have yet to master, and probably never will, the solution to this problem. All I am left with is to continually pray and work on building my relationship, the very things that make me live, with my Creator and true Lover. Scripture helps with this of course. And prayer just as much. Even greater does praying Scripture or praying songs aid me in this endeavor.

There is, however, another aspect to this that has taken me completely off guard. While at times I find it hard to focus on the One who truly deserves my focus because of these great people, there are other times that these relationships actually teach me things instead of simply distracting me. You see, certain people bring out very intense emotions out of me. Those of pure unadulterated enormous love, joy, adoration, admiration, respect... of longing to spend time with, wanting to be with, missing when they're not around, and even the torture of wanting to talk to them and not being able to. This list is so minuscule compared to the complexity of grand and wonderful feelings and emotions that are brought about. But here's the thing... as great as they are, they are nothing, NOTHING, compared to how much greater these same emotions God has for me, His beloved child. Yes, even for you.

You see, the gamut of these emotions, as wide and deep as they are, probably do not come close to how deeply God feels these same emotions (except more pure) for me. If I love this much, how much more must God love me? If I long to spend time with said person, how much more must God long to spend time with me when I'm not spending time with Him as I should? If I can miss somebody THAT much, how much MORE must God miss me when I don't pay attention to Him? These thoughts perplex me to no end. I cannot convey any more to you how much this means. I love big and these emotions are enormous, yet I know they're not as great as others feel, and yet I also know how tiny they are compared to the gander of what God could be going through with me. I ask myself every once in a while why the people in my life put me through such emotions, and how they can, they are just human? I wonder if they know or even have an inkling how they are putting me through these wonderful and sometimes painful (though still wonderful) feelings. Do they understand the effect they have on me daily?! And too often I do not wonder these things about myself concerning God. Yes, sometimes I have focus issues. But at least I have come to learn these things through my unexpected teachers - the people I love most in my life. At least I have now been given some understanding, small as it may be, as to what it must be like. And all through first-hand experience. in this I truly am blessed. Maybe, just maybe, God gave me such strong relationships partially for the purpose of opening my eyes to this new revelation in my life. So I could love Him more and spend more time together with Him, intentionally. I, of course, will never learn this fully; I will never be an expert. But I am learning. And that at least is progress.

May I never forget this lesson and never cease to thank Him for it and for these people in my life! That they will always be a friendly reminder as I ride this roller coaster we call life and love and relationships and never more a distraction (unrealistic I know, but I can still hope and pray, can I not?).

Less of Me

Christ calls us to be slaves to Him. We, after having surrendering our lives to Him completely, are utterly at His beck and call. So why do we fight back? And even at that, why are we surprised when we are looked down upon by others for unknown reasons? True, they may not purposefully thinking you are scum and treating you with contempt. However, people can still give off vibes (probably without their even knowing it) that you are worth much less than them and that they are looking down on you. Isn't that what we agreed to though when we decided to follow after Christ?

If anybody was ever looked down upon, it was Him. If anybody did not deserve it, it was Him.

Why is it we think we are so much above everybody else that they should not treat us as less? Are we not, then, doing the same as they? Yes, it hurts. Believe me, I know. But who am I to demand more? Are we not all sinners the same, destined for eternal separation from God, yet saved irreversibly by His grace? After all, He did command us to be nothing so He could be our everything.

We are called to humility. How do we react when it is forced upon us? God did not give us conditions when He called us to be a slave-to be the last among all...

John 15:20 "Remember the word that I said to you, 'A slave is not greater than his master' If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you; if they kept My word, they will keep yours also."

Mark 9:35 "Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, 'If anyone wants to be first he must be the very last, and the servant of all.'"

Getting What We Can't

Just like most other emotions, jealousy is a curious one. It is both healthy and deathly. The Bible tells us that God is a jealous God, while it also gives out the ideas that we should not want what we do not have - to be content in whatever circumstances we are in (Philippians 4:11). So where's the balance? Should we follow after God and also be jealous? Or are we to avoid jealousy altogether and view it as a sin?

This is something I have personally been dealing with for some time now. Not that I am jealous to the point of action, but the feelings are indeed there. I find myself questioning whether it is a righteous jealousy, like that of God's when we turn and focus on others rather than Him? Or is my jealousy rooting purely in my selfish desires? Or worse yet, did my jealousy start righteous as God's and turn to selfishness? Maybe it started selfish and has turned godly. I've come to the point now that, being a child once rooted indefinitely in my sin, its evil nature lingering, and also a child saved utterly by God's abounding grace and mercy (the latter which overcomes the former), I contain both at the same time. Or at least the potential for both.

Even in the dictionary are meanings of jealous confused. In some aspects it is said to be distrustful, possessive, insecure, begrudging, and full of doubt. On the other hand it means careful, watchful, vigilant, and mindful. The world seems to classify jealousy in love and relationships with the former and jealousy in other matters of affairs (such as one's rights) with the latter. But why does it have to be this way? Can't I be jealous for the right reasons in the right way when it comes to love and relationships? Can't I be careful, watchful, vigilant, and mindful of the ones that I love so dearly? I do believe this is so, though I will also admit that my being jealous of one's time (wanting to spend it with them, whoever that may be) is probably a jealous one. All I can do, then, is strive to be jealous first for God, chasing after Him. Maybe then all other jealousy will either cease or converge into something healthy and nourishing to those most meaningful relationships (in a way), while remaining completely balanced and focused on the One who is jealous for me.

"He is jealous for me. He loves like a hurricane and I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. Then all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory. And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me. OH how He loves us!"

Can one even truly practice love without jealousy??? ...Healthy or not? Maybe it's not that we should put out jealousy altogether but embrace a healthy jealousy to love even more deeply and passionately, in a way similar to how God loves us. God, the jealous-loving God. And we His children. Imitators of our Father.