Whosits -or- Whatsits

A close friend of mine had just died in a tragic car accident. Some of her closest friends and I pulled together at the last minute to make the 12 hour trek down to Florida for her funeral. It was not even a question of whether we should be there or not. If it was one of us, she would have done the same thing. I learned a lot through this trip at the end of September. A lot about God. A lot about myself. A lot about true friendship. A lot about grief and living in a way that matters: an act of worship to God.. We all laughed. We cried. We were stretched and grew..

At the same time, my community group at Brentwood Church was (and we still are) going through a study called "The Intentional Woman: A Guide To Experiencing the Power of Your Story". In one of the sections we were challenged to pick a verse from a list of those provided that spoke of who God is to us and what He is going to do in our lives and make it into a prayer. I hesitated to pick just one at first since they were all so good. One of them was one of my favorite verses when I was a young teenager. I set the book down and came back to it a few days later. That was when Isaiah 42:16 popped off the page and became real in my life personally. This happened on the way back from Ashley's funeral.

Isaiah 42:16 says, "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." From this I pleaded with God to take my hand and lead me through whatever may come my way. I knew He would take me places I had never dreamed of before. Where I was once blind and lost in an unfamiliar place, I would trust in God, who is bigger than any of my shortcomings and weaknesses, to take me to a new home simply by seeing through His eyes instead of my own. There would be bumps along the way, but He would smooth them out for me and never leave my side. I was amazed by the power behind this in my life and cried out it out to Him on a daily basis!

Over a relatively short period of time I began to settle into this and get distracted by life. I was still seeking God but not as fervently as before. After just a few weeks everything came to a head. My Father whispered countless deafening truths right to the gut of my being, and my life was turned upside down (for the better). No tragedy befell me, but huge pieces of me were transformed! I realized that I had been focusing on where God was taking me instead of the fact that it was He that was taking me there.

Let me say that again: I was focused on where God was taking me instead of the fact that it was HE that was taking me there.

We have all heard that life is about the journey, not the destination. And I am a firm believer of that. But too often we lose sight of that and, out of our blindness, don't even realize what we've done and how we've subconsciously rejected God by trying to fulfill our dreams on our own terms. We begin to think that the unfamiliar places God promises to lead us through are behind us and that the bumps in the road will be smoothed out before we get there. But all too often God chooses to smooth things out and shed light on the subject after the fact. Possibly not even until we are perfected in glory. We will always only "see through a glass darkly" until we are in the full presence of our Saviour (I Corinthians 13:12). We may get to see more at times, but our vision is limited - we are blind.

So I guess my challenge is this: enjoy your time with God, and have lots of it! Remember that there are some things you won't ever know in this life, and don't need to.. so trust God from every ounce of your being with every intricate detail of your life. But most of all, stop seeking direction and instead seek your Director! Put all of your undivided attention on Him.. It's more about who He is and less about what He does for you. Be content to be, so long as you are "being" in Him!

Your Might, You Display..

"Your might, You display. In the skies every day. Everything You created for Your praise!" (from the song "Faithful")

Most of what I am about to write I told to myself probably 20 times as I was trying not to forget it all. Some of it I forgot anyways.. But yeah, God is just.. WOW! Sorry, but I don't even have words for how amazing He is!!!

I am afraid that none of what follows will do any justice to the divulgences I received tonight, of God's character and how our relationship with Him works. But I truly hope that you will gain at least something from the wealth that God has poured into my life. I intend to post again soon with one of the many things God has shown me recently. There's so much I can barely take mental note of it all myself, much less express it effectively. But my wish is to let the Spirit use me and speak through me. He is no secret to be kept!

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Coming home from church today I told myself I should take a walk at some point because it was such a beautiful day out. I sadly found myself immersed in a little bit of homework and spending most of my time expressing myself to God through some journaling, in song, and with prayer. And simply resting in Him. After all, He has been teaching me and growing me so much recently, the least I can do is give it back to Him with every moment of my life, all as an act of worship! Needless to say I did not take a walk..

However, my dad and I decided to take a last minute motorcycle ride this afternoon. Within the first few miles I realized we were heading directly into the sunset. I was absolutely astonished at its brilliance! It was by far one of the most brilliant skies I have ever seen before in person! God's might and love were so evident to me in that moment as I sang songs of His cleansing, renewal, and faithfulness in my life. The thing was, it didn't stop there.. it lasted for quite some time. I kept thinking to myself, "I really wish I had a working camera right now!" I wanted to capture the splendor of it all, to never forget its beauty and share it with the world. I slowly began to hear God whispering to my heart once again (as He has done so much of these past two weeks. Or maybe He always does and I do not slow down enough to listen)..

(taken from Google images.. this is NOTHING compared to what I was witness too!) :D

He said something to the effect of: "This is just for you, my darling. I hand-picked this moment for your eyes only. I understand that you want to share what you know of Me and My works with others, but I will reveal Myself to them in a different way and at a different time. As I see fit. They need to experience Me for themselves. Should they be perceptive enough to see Me. This is for you, though. To capture a picture of My power and love for you. Visibly instead of audibly for a change. It is a reminder of what I have done for you. But more than that, a reminder to you of who I Am, and who you are to Me." I thought of how blessed I was. How much my Father cherishes me, which amazes me considering I am not worthy on my own. But only through His sacrifice for me as He pursues me relentlessly! It was all so overwhelming to take in!!

We came to the end of the road all too soon. We turned away from the sunset and everything in me began to scream in opposition. How could we dare ride away from something so stunning? I wanted to embrace every moment of this sunset as possible. I found myself rather eagerly scanning the rear view mirrors and the reflection from my dad's helmet for whatever glimpse of the sun and the surrounding skies as I could find. Every once in a while I would catch a glimpse of the picturesque skies behind me (an understatement to say the least), which never failed to take my breath away. But then I came to a second major realization: what I was doing was much like what we do as humans.. Everyone is searching for God. They wonder why they cannot see Him or feel His presence in their lives. Why the pain? Why the confusion? What we all fail to realize too often is that He is all around us. He is so blatantly obvious, it is a mystery as to how we miss Him! The same way I was searching for the sun when the sunlight was everywhere to be seen already.. I suppose it is because we are too busy being distracted by everything else around us - by the things the sunlight is falling upon instead of the sunlight itself or the source of that light.

Every once in a while our Abba chooses to reveal an extra glimpse of His splendor to us. If we are paying any bit of attention.. An extra dose of any given characteristic of Himself, similar to the glimpses of the actual sun I would get in the rear view mirror, reflecting back to me. Yet He is all around us all the time. Inside of us if we have come into agreement with Him. Yet those special glimpses that drive us deeper towards God's Heart are ever so precious. Like a sweet kiss from a loved one. But better. So gentle yet so strong. So peaceful yet so invigorating. So quiet yet so deafening.

Oh, and one more thing: as brilliant as the setting sun was when I first caught a glimpse of it, it only continued to grow in expanse and magnificence. It was truly spectacular, though it paled in comparison to the Maker of it all and the things the Maker is teaching us and doing for us constantly and consistently. He truly does radiate!! Will you let Him radiate into and through you?!

Earth Dwellers

I'm not sure about you, but when I hear "Earth Dwellers" I think or aliens coming down to our humble abode and referring to us as such, or as "Earthlings". There's something to that though, oddly enough. The more I think about it, the less I want to be associated by such a term - to dwell on earth. Because while dwell can simply mean one taking a permanent residence in a certain place, it also deals with one's deep emotions, thought-life, and focus. I, for one, have no desire whatsoever to be associated as one who intends to live on this earth permanently or to wrap all of my emotions, thoughts, and focus up in this imperfect and fallen world.

I find it interesting that the Psalmist refers himself as an alien, dwelling with God [Psalm 39:12]. Yet God welcomes us there and invites us to make Him our home! I know I am nowhere near reaching this state, but I'd much rather be a Heaven Dweller. Or better yet, to dwell in God as He has so longingly pleaded with me (and you) to do. God dwells on, in, and with me.. Shouldn't I return the favor? Imagine the kind of joy that would bring our Father! Besides, wherever my treasures are (physical or spiritual - what I value in various ways), there is my heart [Luke 12:34]. A heart that is tender and that my Abba and Adonai is consistently yearning for me to entrust to Him to tenderly care for, keep safe, and nourish abundantly. He crafted it, why would I not want to give it back to Him, my true Lover?

Dwell is still such a strong word to me. The more I think about it, the deeper it seems. I mean, to really dwell somewhere or on something.. It sure brings a very clear emotional and mental picture to mind that I can hardly explain, but that I can feel. It is to settle in, get comfortable. To spend all my time and energy there. To be completely consumed with it. Even thinking about it now, it makes me want to exude with joy and laughter!! To dwell with my Maker. How breathtakingly astonishing, altogether wonderful, and picturesque that is! :D Call me crazy, but it kinda brings out the "warm and fuzzies" in me :) ..To be with, to DWELL, with my Father. My Home. My Dwelling Place! You really can't get much better than that!

We all dwell on something. On whom or what are you dwelling..? Is it worth it?

Soul Speak

God and I had a very candid and vivid conversation the other night. Those are the moments, so consumed by His presence in my life, that I wish I could hold onto forever and never leave that warmth. In those moments I find I am truly at peace and completely calmed by His voice. He is most definitely alive and moving today. To say God no longer speaks audibly an anyone's life obviously hasn't slowed down enough. And even then, it's not like He chooses that method every day. Sometimes He speaks through the smaller, less noticible things in life - a song, a laugh, a ray of sun, a raindrop, a lightning bolt, a tear, a gift.. Still there are other times when He does choose to literally reach out and touch you and speak directly to your soul. Should you be willing to listen.

Our conversation was a relatively short one, but it spoke volumes to my life. Because I had been led to believe my whole life that I was the one in control of my heart. And while I may have influence therein, God is truly the one who has the key to it, greater than any key that I or anyone else in my life may hold. Especially since I have given it to him, my Father, my Lover. Furthermore, He is the one who has the key to your heart. Your loved one's heart. Everyone's. There is nothing I or you can do to unlock the mysteries of another's heart and explore its depths. But God can and will. In His precious timing. Maybe then you will be the blessed one allowed to dive deep into another's soul. What a great gift and terrifying responsibility that would be!

Does this mean we should not ask God to open somebody up to let love flow in because it is already predestined? Absolutely not! Ask all you want. Your Abba wants to know the desires of your heart, from your lips. Besides, who's to say that every breath is forced to be a certain way just because Adonai knows every detail beforehand? Yet He will still plan and work everything to good in His timing, using the good and the bad to mend and create and care for your heart. And His plan is ever so perfect. Not always easy, but definitely flawless--a masterpiece weilded with His gentle and powerful hands. In the meantime we trust with patient hope!

Defining Moments

I heard once that your life is defined by the moments that make you want to dance around the room. Those things that make you so full of exuberance that you cannot contain it, no matter what circumstance you are in. I would like to emphasize something from this that almost everybody seems to miss... that it does not matter what circumstance you are in. And furthermore, such moments don't define you until you define them. You fight through any pain that may be there. You come out stronger. And just as Scripture says, you praise God in the good and the bad, especially in the trials. The fire does refine. If you let it.

Life is not an accumulation of good and bad days. In fact, I wonder if there are such things. Of course, there are. But do they just happen, or do we make them so in letting them be as such? Because while we may not be able to control the circumstances we find ourselves in, we can control how we react to said circumstances. We must. Should we fail to do so, then life really will be just a bunch of good and bad days, not amounting to much. Where's the fun and fulfillment in that? Life is meant to be more than that. And frankly, life is what you make it to be.. no matter what circumstance you find yourself in..

"Brief" Clarification

I was just realizing that I don't even remember what it was that made me write my first post on hope. I was rereading some of my stuff tonight, and I just wanted to clarify something about this one, because some of the things I put out there could easily sound very depressing.

My focus was on the ever-growing hope we find in Christ and nothing more. I was amazed, still am, at His consistency and love for us. That He will never "let us down" or drop us from His hands that weave and hold all together. Our hopes and dreams for things can only be crushed if we let them. Better yet, as my good friend and counselor Margo once told me years ago, "Chase after the Dream-Maker, not the dream itself." So get caught in the dance of life with your Maker and Lover. Let Him be the Hope He is offering you. Everything else will fall into place one way or the other. As far as the dreams you've made up in your head? I guarantee you that the ones the Dream-Maker has in mind for you are so immensely better that yours would pale in comparison. Let Him write your story, every single stroke of it. His plan is grander. His mind wider. His heart bigger.

In the world's terms, people may let you down. In fact, they will let you down in one way or another. But if your heart is truly in the right place, then nobody can ever really let you down but yourself. You are who you let yourself be. And if you trust in God solely and keep close to Him (James 4:8) and therefore less susceptible to Satan's scheming, then you will be who you were made and meant to be. We are here to worship our Creator, not please others (not meaning that we throw them by the wayside - by no means! Remember, love deeply and do not be afriad). And He will never let you down. Ever. So please, I hope (yet again.. funny how that word keeps coming up) you did not take my earlier post, or this one, the wrong way. The focus was, is, and always will be on the fact that we can hope first in God. He is the only perfect One! And we really can count on Him (I'm not saying we can't count on others. Just not in the same immaculate way as we can our Maker).

Oh, and let me close with this as a quick reminder also, one that brought me to this post in the first place... words are powerful. They can bring life or they can destroy with the result of a gruesome death. As the child's song goes, "Be careful little mouths what you say." E429 FTW!

Lesson 978

I usually don't do blogs on Scripture passages, but I cannot get this one out of my head, and it is so hitting home right about now. Check out Romans 8:24b-28:

"But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Not quite sure what to say after that, the passage speaks for itself. I know for me... even in this season of life, a season I once thought I would never face, I will continue to hope for what I know is Right and Good. Right now things may seem cloudy and out of my reach. But that is what hope is. (Yet at the same time it is not out of my reach because Christ is my Hope, who is in me)! And with it comes patience. And oh, how God has been teaching that to me over the years, in so many different ways. Now ensues lesson 978 (ok... that may seem a random number... but you get the point). As waystation said, hope makes you strong. It's when you throw it out the window that you are not strong any longer. Which seems quite ironic since you do so in attempts to look and be strong.

And furthermore, in the times that all we can do is lie in our beds and moan, sprawl out on the floor and groan, or sit unknowingly in shock.. it's then that the Spirit in us knows exactly what we're going through and where we're at. He knows. And even greater, He knows what we need and goes directly to our Father with it. He turns those grunts and whimpers into words, into a prayer, and lifts them before our Creator. And They work it together into a wonderful masterpiece, all within Their will, not our own. They have your and my best interest in mind. And the best, it will be.
Besides, it doesn't matter how long or hard you run towards or away from God's will (which has your best in mind).. it WILL happen. Regardless. No matter what. He has a plan that will absolutely come to fruition. We need to trust Him in that and let Him lead us. We need to trust the path, even with all of its bumps and bends and bows. Trust in Him, rely on Him, lean into Him, talk with Him (or moan if it comes to that), and He will give you peace! (Philippians 4:4-7). Praise Him through it ALL! And believe me, I know, it's not easy. It can hurt. It does hurt. But it is right and good. He is Supreme above all else! He is GOOD!

Hope Come Again 2

Hope is so strong and so innately good! One of the best things out there, along with faith and love. Yet somehow I find that when life gets tough I feel like throwing hope out the window because I feel as though I've failed or that it failed me... yet it's those times I need hope the most... And along with it a peace straight from God's heart to mine, so immense that I could never ever begin to even think of fathoming it...

Think of Casting Crown's lyrics in Every Man:

"Seems there's just so many roads to travel; it's hard to tell where they all will lead. My life is scarred and my dreams unraveled. Now I'm scared to take a leap. If I could find someone to follow who knows my pain and feels the weight. The uncertainty of my tomorrow, the guilt and pain of yesterday.
"There is hope for every man. A solid place where we can stand in this dry and weary land. There is hope for every man. There is love that never dies. There is peace in troubled times. Will we help them understand? Jesus is hope for every man."

Hope Come Again

What is it about hope that is so... compelling? I find myself saying it countless times in normal conversations every single day. And I find myself stuck in huge hopes that only leave me empty and disappointed. The thing about hope is that it is single-handily one of the most painful things in the world if the hope is not fulfilled. If the person or thing that you are hoping in to follow through or go the way you want it to indeed does not follow through.

Of course, there is One that has, does, and always will follow through. In Him we can always trust. But what about the hope we have in our loved ones, in beautiful plans we have made, in dreams we have crafted? Are we not to have these, as they can easily become things of this world? Or is there something beautiful that will one day come from the pain? Are we not to hope because of the almost innevitable pain? Or are we to stay optimistic slinkies, always bouncing back in delight, holding onto the hopes we have and going from one hope to the next? I seem to be stuck in these conflicts, wondering if I will ever escape. If I will ever see these hopes I have indeed come to fruition. And what gorgeous hopes they are, and what terrible let-downs they could become...

Pendulum Reaction

She's been riding a pendulum for some time now. It will not ease up, not slow down for anything. One moment she is flying high, and the next she has hit rock bottom. There is no warning. The only consistency in her life is that her disposition will change to the opposite of the one she is in now. She wonders if there is something wrong with her? Why can't she find a happy medium in her life? She fights to live in the middle ground, but in fighting she is only the pushing the pendulum into a higher speed than it was not long ago. She urges to slow down and somehow catches up speed in the process.

Her emotions deceive her. Maybe this is what life is really like and nobody told her otherwise? Either way, something has to change - life can't be lived like this, can it? Not healthy.

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When she finally does find a remedy and gets the nourishment her body has always needed and had been lacking, she feels still as though something isn't right. It is right, but she's not used to it. She misses her mood swings in an odd way, as repulsive as they are. Guesses this is what it is like when Satan entices you. Tempts you. She can understand how appealing things can be twisted to fuel a person's desire and bring them to ruin. But how can something so terrible in her life have been twisted to feel so good and so terrible all at once? She can't understand. But she must get used to the middle. The middle is where she's supposed to be. Somewhere around there anyways... That is the place she can really thrive and be who she was made to be. And she must!

How Far?

To be quite honest, I'm not much in a writing mood today. But things have definitey been on my mind. Much too many to write here. Much to personal to share with the world. But something that was talked about last night with the students at Brentwood I feel needs to reiterated, especially in our culture. We are in the middle of the sex series and asked the students to define their "limits". How far is too far before you cross the line or jump into the fire? I'd like to pose the same question not only in the area of sex, but in life in general.

I'm sure you've heard before that it is better to build a fence at the top of the cliff than it is to build a hospital at the bottom. Better to prevent tragic things from happening, from ruining our lives and the lives of those around us than to have to clean up the mess afterwards. Not that we can't clean up the mess (with forgiveness, love, and care), but isn't it better to not have to deal with all that to begin with?

Don't get me wrong, life is worth taking some risks, but some things are definitely not worth the risk. Some things are meant to be left alone. So in the areas of purity and other things as such, why not ask "How far away can I stay?" instead of "How close can I get?" Seems kind of silly to inch your way closer and closer to the jaws of death when you know very well that you do not want to die (or jump into anything else that may follow, not necessarily death) when you can just avoid it altogether.

I think this is what Paul was talking about when he said to throw off everything that slows us down and all the sins that trip us up (Hebrews 12:1). This doesn't mean to put it further down in our backpacks so they are harder to access. No, it means to chuck it head-long across the room. Stay as far away from it as possible so we can live the life God has called us to. How much harder it would be to run across the room to pick it back up than to fumble through our bags or reach down to the ground beside us where we kept such things "away" but ever so close to us.

While we may never be able to erase our struggles from our memories, thoughts, emotions... we can attempt to completely avoid them instead of staying close by just waiting for when they will trip us up yet again. I think sometimes we... I... make life so much harder than it really is by keeping such struggles, fears, temptations, so close by my side as if they were a prized possession instead of discarding it far from me as though they were repulsive, as they are...

Faithful as the Morning

There's a song that's been stuck in my head since yesterday morning. Phil Wickham makes a very valid point. One that hits home and makes more sense than I can even tell! Check out the deep beauty in these lyrics:

"Come close, listen to the story about a love more faithful than the morning. The Father gave His only Son just to save us.

"The earth was shaking in the dark. All creation felt the Father's broken heart. Tears were filling heaven's eyes the day that True Love died. The day that True Love died. When blood and water hit the ground, walls we couldn't move came crashing down. We were free and made alive the day that True Love died. The day that True Love died.

"Search your heart, you know you can't deny it. Come on, lose your life just so you can find it. The Father gave His only Son just to save us..."

Pretty intense, huh? At least, if you really think about the depth there it is! There is so much I could get into here. So much theology and Truth, emanating from Scripture and written into these lyrics. The thing that's been boggling my mind, however, is the very first line. "Come close, listen to the story about a love more faithful than the morning." How faithful IS the morning? Really?

Think about it - was there every a day you can honestly look back and say, "There was no morning that day. Just night, no morning." NO! That doesn't even make logical sense. A day cannot exist without a morning because the beginning of a day is marked by morning. How, then, could we tell if it were a day or not without the morning? Maybe you didn't experience the morning. Maybe you were asleep. But it is there. Always has been, always will be, until the day the earth no longer exists. Every morning you will wake up and get ready for work or move around the house, or whatever you do. NO MATTER WHAT! I can guarantee you there was never one single day you, your parents, your grandparents, and even your ancestors went without a morning. And your descendants will have it to. It can be counted on for sure!

However, there was this one day... The day the sun stood still. Joshua 10:12-14 say this: "On the day the Lord gave the Amorites over to Israel, Joshua said to the Lord in the presence of Israel: 'O sun, stand still over Gibeon, O moon, over the Valley of Aijalon.' So the sun stood still, and the moon stopped, till the nation avenged itself on its enemies, as it is written in the Book of Jashar. The sun stopped in the middle of the sky and delayed going down about a full day. There has never been a day like it before or since, a day when the Lord listened to a man. Surely the Lord was fighting for Israel!"
So as faithful as the morning is, there was a day it did not come... a night it did not come. A day continued and a night prolonged, but no morning for a full day. And yet we can always count on it, without any fault whatsoever. The morning came today. The morning will come tomorrow. But there was a day it did not come. Not so with God.

God's love is MORE faithful than even the morning that we can count on to come every day. But there was a time it, in a way, was not faithful (even though it was for good). See... God's love is more than that. There never was, is, or will be a time where His love is not here for us. Pretty powerful if you ask me! If only I knew how to truly express it with the power that it has in my head...


(Side joke: Ever feel like you're always catching up? Like you're always a day behind? Well technically you are! You can blame it on Joshua if you want. :P haha corny I know).

Clarity

Sometimes the mountains in the distance can be seen with great clarity. Their lines and their colors are so crisp to be seen. We all know that there are also other days that the mountains on the horizon are misted and clouded over with a variety of different things - whether it be a storm, fog, or something so simple and dense as humidity. And I speak not just literally but figuratively as well.

The Blue Ridge mountains simply took my breath away this morning coming down one such mountain into the valley I call home. Their clarity had almost reached perfection. I feel as the mountains and valleys in my life, however, have been draped with a dense blanket, prohibiting me from seeing anything whatsoever. And with each one I climb, I myself make them different. I feel as though I somehow manage to make each mountain bigger than it already is. So not only can I not really see them, but I can also never seem to get over them because they are only ever growing in size and might...

Open Airwaves

Communication. We all do it. Often we fail to do it, or at least fail to do it effectively. But it is key to this thing we call life. Key to every single relationship we will ever find ourselves in - professionally, with our families, friends, romantic relationships, and so on. So why do we run from it? Why are we just okay with struggling with it and being poor communicators?

Communication comes in all shapes and sizes. Verbal, visual, physical. The list goes on. It is not just words, but the way the words are used. The way you present yourself. Body language as well as written and verbal language. While we will never be masters, we should try all the time to become masters of it. Besides, it must be important because the Bible talks about communication more than most any other topic - the power of the mouth.

So what are you afraid of? Maybe you're like me, and you're afraid of pushing people away by saying or doing things that may hurt a loved one's feelings and in turn you will be shut out or rejected, feeling unloved and unwanted. Or maybe you're like others who are simply not open because being vulnerable and living life in the raw can be so hard and so painful.

After a long and deep conversation last night I can honestly say that I am going to try and put these fears out. More times than not, these fears are unrealistic. Think about it, if you really love someone and they communicate something difficult with you, are you going to push them away or is it going to draw you closer? I know if it were me, I would pull them in closer to me, making the love grow deeper! So why should I be afraid that when I'm on the other end that I will be pushed away instead of pulled in? How silly!

Trust me, they want to know what you're going through - good and bad. Trust. Believe. Open up. Be yourself. There is probably nothing you could say or do, if it is real, that would make them reject you or that would offend them in any way lasting. And that's how beautiful relationships are when they are being lived out the way they are meant to be and in God's will!


So now I set out on a journey to be utterly open to the one(s) that matter most. To have a more healthy view of myself and trust in the fact that the love is there and will not turn me away but pull me in even deeper into this thing that is one of the most wonderful things I have ever come by here on earth! It will be hard and painful but oh so beautiful the same!!

Ups and Downs

I had an interesting though last night after having talked about change and simply the way life tends to go with all of its ups and downs and ins and outs. Some advice Hal gave me also came to mind. It was all sparked by a song by Kendall Payne called "Ups and Downs". Check out the lyrics, I find them all quite profound:

"All that I've found through the ups and the downs is that I'd have it no other way. Life in the raw is both fragile and strong. It's both lovely and ugly the same. Who can attest that when they're at their best, oh their worst is still crouching close behind. It's coming to peace with the darkness in me that allows the true light inside to shine.

"So let it go; we are still far from home, though you try and you try to escape. To live and to love will always be dangerous. But it's better than playing it safe.

"We are composed of a symphony of notes. Every life is as music to His ears. I'll play my melody, be it haunting, be it sweet. Unashamed of what anyone might hear.

"So when the load breaks your back and your will, you must still keep your heart in the game. To live and to love will always be dangerous. But it's better than playing it safe.

"So let it go when you don't feel like home, when inside is your only escape. To live and to love will always be dangerous. But would you want it any other way?"

Lots to think about in there... She's right though. Would you really want it any other way? I honestly don't think I would. Yes, life and love can be painful - dangerous even - but it's all totally worth it. And it is SO much better than playing things safely. Life is all about risk and full of intimidating situations. But if there was no struggle, would it be as rewarding? We live in a great irony of beauty and filth all mixed into one. It really is a beautiful mess. So... play your melody. No matter what tone it is, what dissonance there may be, or how out of tun and off beat you are. Your Creator finds it... you... breathtakingly beautiful, even in the screw ups. And don't be ashamed of who you are. The darkness we live and work and play in allows the light to really shine instead of just barely being seen (could write a whole other blog on just that)!

Think about the mountains and the valleys in life. Wouldn't the earth be boring if it were flat-lands everywhere? No, instead there are rises and falls. Ebbs and flows. Creeks, streams, and waterfalls that cut gracefully into the land to make a masterpiece. We are no different.

And another thing. Take some time today to go read Colossians 3:1-17 or another of the many passages in Scripture that has to do with unity in the Body of Christ. Think about that - unity. Think about the song you are writing and orchestrating for all to hear, even your Maker. Is it haunting or is it sweet? Are you the cause for that or are your circumstances? What can you do to make it a little more melodic and pleasing to the ears?

Oh yeah, and the advice that Hal gave me was this: "It's all about your mindset." and "Just be yourself, it's usually better that way." (Few of his many wise tidbits of advice :) And I leave you with this... Would you really have it any other way? Or would you dare to venture out and change something?

Changing Colors

It amazes me to think that things can change so quickly. In the blink of an eye. Without warning and without hesitation. Sometimes it's positive, yes. Change for the better. But sometimes not so much. I find it often hard to differentiate between two. To delineate when this change occurs, how, and why.

But it does happen, whether it be the slightest change in temperature or the weather. Change in the color of things; change in the sky. Change of emotions. Change of heart. Change of mind. Change of clothes. Change of sheets. Change of friends. Change of job. The list is endless. Things are ALWAYS changing. Most of which we have limited control over, if any at all, which is probably a good thing. Though I find I want to change that fact all the time, because I want control. I want to change the circumstances around me that are changing all the time. Kinda ironic, huh?

So why not change our mindset within all of this instead of fighting a battle we cannot win (to change our circumstances per se)? Because while we do not have control of our changing circumstances, we do have control of our responses. We will experience all the colors of the rainbow in our lifetime, also meaning that we experience all kinds of storms and all kinds of sunlight. But why not enjoy these things and be enthralled with them instead of worrying our way through the storms, and even through the sunshine and rainbows in fear of the next imminent storm?

And furthermore, we must always remember that there is one thing, nay one Person, who does not change. Who will always chase you, persue you, love you, delight in you, provide for you, be a shoulder for you, and a laugh... He is everything we could ever dream or ask for and so much more! And he's not gonna change a bit - He simply CAN'T change! In this world of change, we have one Constant with which to guide our lives. And what a wonderful Constant He is!

Time Away and Coming Back

Okay. So I have admittedly neglected my post here for some time now. I have thought about logging in but have failed to "find" or make the time between all the happenings of life. I honestly found, what I thought, were a few things more important. I got to thinking this morning, however, that in a way they are not as important. While in other ways they are far exceedingly greater.

You see, such things have been school, and work, and church - the given things in life. But my life has also been consumed with family, an essential. And spending as much time as God allows with my boyfriend, however that may look on that given day. Also building deep relationships with the girls in my small group, whom I love very dearly! These I must have. I thrive on these things, relationships. But in a way, consuming myself with these things and failing to write - whether privately or publicly here - is almost selfish in a way. Who may read a blog (or my journal one day when I am dead and gone from this earth) that may need an encouraging word or a provoking nudge to kick it into a new gear and dimension of life?

Truthfully, I may never know. It could be nobody. But it could be somebody. Somebody who God wants me to unknowingly reach out to and make even a small difference, if not a large one, in their life right now. Not every 3 or 4 months when I'm "bored" or the time "happens" to be there or the I just so happen to be in the "mood" to write something "profound". There's more to it than that. The time is now. God's Kingdom is here - we are living in it NOW. The different lives Christ called us to live? Yeah, that's now, not when it just so happens to show up in our lives. It absolutely must be intentional. And an intentional change in me means an potential intentional change guided by God's Spirit for others.

People are watching. People are listening. What do they see and hear emanating from you? Or do they see and hear nothing whatsoever? The choice is yours... mine... every day: selfish or selfless?

Be Still

"Be still (cease striving) and know that I am God."

Psalm 46:10

"Be still my heart and know you're not controlling what you fear. Be still my soul find rest and know you're in much greater hands than your own. My cloudy heart will break feel exhausted, I'm frayed. Can't move but can't stop moving. My busy discontent, working harder, I'm spent. Treading lightly, but I know I'm drowning. Help me stop. My faith is often frail, terrified to unveil. Trust you or just keep trusting me. I'm often far behind an image I've refined. But closer to the ground, I'm dirty. Clean me up. Breath in... Be still my heart and know you're not controlling what you fear (feel). Be still my soul find rest and know you're in much greater hands than your own."

Nic Carver

Today was the absolute strangest day I think I have ever had. When people talk about a roller coaster or events and emotions, they usually mean over a period of time: an accumulation of days, weeks, months, or even years. Today I had all of this extensiveness packed into one mere day! I know not whether to be glad about this or annoyed... whatever you want to call it. Six hours ago you would have found me crying as a result of these things. Now you find me laughing and looking ahead. What does this mean for tomorrow, for next week, the rest of my life? How can I change because of it? One thing's for sure - though I would have never recognized it in the midst of today's events - I was the object of some intense spiritual battle. It is serious business. Outside of this context, however, these things now make me want to laugh! What shifts in one's day anyways that makes them cry at circumstances and then turn right around and laugh at them? Emotions are funny like that sometimes.

Disclaimer: I really don't feel like sharing these specific experiences, circumstances, events, and emotions with the world. So if you're that close to me and you'd like to know more of what is behind this lesson, feel free to ask me next time you see me.

What I learned, and am still learning, is this: TRUST. To do just as the Psalmist said, from the lips of God: BE STILL or CEASE STRIVING! To know that God is God in every aspect and rely on that fact! You see, I try to hard. I "strive" too much. Probably because I want to have control of what is happening in my life. In my head. In my heart. ...With my emotions. And I sure have anything but that. Just as Nic put it, I need my heart to be still and know that I am not in control of what I fear and/or feel. Rather, I am in Hands that are much Greater than my own. In that I can rest. But do I? Seems to me I tend to do it mostly when it's easy or only when it is absolutely necessary. This is wrong. And this I must change. Can I change it? No. I don't think so. But God and His Spirit in me can!!!

...He has more power than I could fathom and yet we all tend to put him in a box. Kinda like that childhood song, "If I had a little white box to put my Jesus in, I'd take Him out and kiss His face and put Him back again." WRONG!!! Jesus does not belong in a box, He conquered DEATH for Pete's sake! I kinda have a feeling the tomb He was in was much stronger than our feeble boxes. Furthermore, He deserves more than mere kisses but that of trust and for us to literally DIE to him daily! And may God forbid that if we ever had Jesus in a box that we would dare put Him back in it. God cannot be boxed, so why do we try to do this in our lives so often? Why do I let the little things in life get to me? How much louder must God whisper to me that I can trust Him before I truly listen and obey? How much closer must He get for me to understand He is here, He will not leave, and He is utterly in control of every ounce of my being and those around me? My circumstances included.

I'm not sure I ever will but God has spoken louder to me today than He has in a long time. I say it is time to listen, truly. Whether or not that means I remember tomorrow I'm not sure. But here's my sign. Now it's time to take it one moment at a time. No more of this worrying about the future business: long-term or immediate.

Unexpected Teachers

It seems hard to me to stay focused on God. To chase after the Dream-Maker, not the specific dreams I personally hold to. This struggle intensifies the busier I am. Even more so with each dream I dream and each relationship I build. I am very much a relationally driven person and thrive off of the relationships that I find myself in. Some more than others (i.e. family, boyfriend, mentors, small group, etc.). I find too often I place so much value in these people and in the relationship that I have with them that I lose sight of God and fail to praise and recognize Him as my sustainer and the One who gave me these wonderfully amazing people to begin with! I have yet to master, and probably never will, the solution to this problem. All I am left with is to continually pray and work on building my relationship, the very things that make me live, with my Creator and true Lover. Scripture helps with this of course. And prayer just as much. Even greater does praying Scripture or praying songs aid me in this endeavor.

There is, however, another aspect to this that has taken me completely off guard. While at times I find it hard to focus on the One who truly deserves my focus because of these great people, there are other times that these relationships actually teach me things instead of simply distracting me. You see, certain people bring out very intense emotions out of me. Those of pure unadulterated enormous love, joy, adoration, admiration, respect... of longing to spend time with, wanting to be with, missing when they're not around, and even the torture of wanting to talk to them and not being able to. This list is so minuscule compared to the complexity of grand and wonderful feelings and emotions that are brought about. But here's the thing... as great as they are, they are nothing, NOTHING, compared to how much greater these same emotions God has for me, His beloved child. Yes, even for you.

You see, the gamut of these emotions, as wide and deep as they are, probably do not come close to how deeply God feels these same emotions (except more pure) for me. If I love this much, how much more must God love me? If I long to spend time with said person, how much more must God long to spend time with me when I'm not spending time with Him as I should? If I can miss somebody THAT much, how much MORE must God miss me when I don't pay attention to Him? These thoughts perplex me to no end. I cannot convey any more to you how much this means. I love big and these emotions are enormous, yet I know they're not as great as others feel, and yet I also know how tiny they are compared to the gander of what God could be going through with me. I ask myself every once in a while why the people in my life put me through such emotions, and how they can, they are just human? I wonder if they know or even have an inkling how they are putting me through these wonderful and sometimes painful (though still wonderful) feelings. Do they understand the effect they have on me daily?! And too often I do not wonder these things about myself concerning God. Yes, sometimes I have focus issues. But at least I have come to learn these things through my unexpected teachers - the people I love most in my life. At least I have now been given some understanding, small as it may be, as to what it must be like. And all through first-hand experience. in this I truly am blessed. Maybe, just maybe, God gave me such strong relationships partially for the purpose of opening my eyes to this new revelation in my life. So I could love Him more and spend more time together with Him, intentionally. I, of course, will never learn this fully; I will never be an expert. But I am learning. And that at least is progress.

May I never forget this lesson and never cease to thank Him for it and for these people in my life! That they will always be a friendly reminder as I ride this roller coaster we call life and love and relationships and never more a distraction (unrealistic I know, but I can still hope and pray, can I not?).

Less of Me

Christ calls us to be slaves to Him. We, after having surrendering our lives to Him completely, are utterly at His beck and call. So why do we fight back? And even at that, why are we surprised when we are looked down upon by others for unknown reasons? True, they may not purposefully thinking you are scum and treating you with contempt. However, people can still give off vibes (probably without their even knowing it) that you are worth much less than them and that they are looking down on you. Isn't that what we agreed to though when we decided to follow after Christ?

If anybody was ever looked down upon, it was Him. If anybody did not deserve it, it was Him.

Why is it we think we are so much above everybody else that they should not treat us as less? Are we not, then, doing the same as they? Yes, it hurts. Believe me, I know. But who am I to demand more? Are we not all sinners the same, destined for eternal separation from God, yet saved irreversibly by His grace? After all, He did command us to be nothing so He could be our everything.

We are called to humility. How do we react when it is forced upon us? God did not give us conditions when He called us to be a slave-to be the last among all...

John 15:20 "Remember the word that I said to you, 'A slave is not greater than his master' If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you; if they kept My word, they will keep yours also."

Mark 9:35 "Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, 'If anyone wants to be first he must be the very last, and the servant of all.'"

Getting What We Can't

Just like most other emotions, jealousy is a curious one. It is both healthy and deathly. The Bible tells us that God is a jealous God, while it also gives out the ideas that we should not want what we do not have - to be content in whatever circumstances we are in (Philippians 4:11). So where's the balance? Should we follow after God and also be jealous? Or are we to avoid jealousy altogether and view it as a sin?

This is something I have personally been dealing with for some time now. Not that I am jealous to the point of action, but the feelings are indeed there. I find myself questioning whether it is a righteous jealousy, like that of God's when we turn and focus on others rather than Him? Or is my jealousy rooting purely in my selfish desires? Or worse yet, did my jealousy start righteous as God's and turn to selfishness? Maybe it started selfish and has turned godly. I've come to the point now that, being a child once rooted indefinitely in my sin, its evil nature lingering, and also a child saved utterly by God's abounding grace and mercy (the latter which overcomes the former), I contain both at the same time. Or at least the potential for both.

Even in the dictionary are meanings of jealous confused. In some aspects it is said to be distrustful, possessive, insecure, begrudging, and full of doubt. On the other hand it means careful, watchful, vigilant, and mindful. The world seems to classify jealousy in love and relationships with the former and jealousy in other matters of affairs (such as one's rights) with the latter. But why does it have to be this way? Can't I be jealous for the right reasons in the right way when it comes to love and relationships? Can't I be careful, watchful, vigilant, and mindful of the ones that I love so dearly? I do believe this is so, though I will also admit that my being jealous of one's time (wanting to spend it with them, whoever that may be) is probably a jealous one. All I can do, then, is strive to be jealous first for God, chasing after Him. Maybe then all other jealousy will either cease or converge into something healthy and nourishing to those most meaningful relationships (in a way), while remaining completely balanced and focused on the One who is jealous for me.

"He is jealous for me. He loves like a hurricane and I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. Then all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory. And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me. OH how He loves us!"

Can one even truly practice love without jealousy??? ...Healthy or not? Maybe it's not that we should put out jealousy altogether but embrace a healthy jealousy to love even more deeply and passionately, in a way similar to how God loves us. God, the jealous-loving God. And we His children. Imitators of our Father.

More Than Hope

"And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love" (I Corinthians 13:13). These great words were given us through God's Holy Scriptures in Paul's letter to Corinth. He says this after a lengthy and deep discussion of what love truly is, and how crucial it is to one's life. Love is very much misunderstood these days. This is no new problem. Clearly the Corinthians were dealing with this 2,000 years ago as well. I would venture to say this problem went as far back as Adam and Eve when they fell away from fellowship with our Creator and ultimate Lover. This, however, is not what I'd like to discuss at the moment. No, today I want to talk about its greatness, as simple as that. Why is love the "greatest of these three" and what does that look like?

Faith is a wonderful thing.  Though faith in and of itself accomplishes nothing.  It is the object of one's faith that gives it power.  So faith in what?  Faith that I will get what I want?  No - I know that life is not always that simple.  Sometimes we get exactly what we do not want, even if in the end it turns into what we truly wanted all along and did not realize it.  Faith in things happening that are meant to be?  No - while that is something to have hope in, and a reality I must face, realize, and try to grasp every day, it is not so grand as to deserve faith.  No... faith belongs rather in a person, not an ideal.  The Person.  Christ.  His saving grace and ultimate plan for my life and His world stems from Him, yes.  But it is not the THINGS we are to have faith in.  But God, the Trinity, as is preached and the Holy Scriptures.  The One True God.  As a Person/Being.  Not an ideal or somebody to get something out of like a Santa Claus in the cosmos.  Faith is a thing.  Faith is an act.  But faith must always be grounded in a person - The Person.

I know lately for me I have been clinging to hope. (This is my motivation for writing this... I have of late unknowingly decided that hope is greater than love, which it is not). The past week or two I have been struggling with great fear. Terrors even if you'd like to call them that. Fear that things will change for the worse in my life. That I am not truly and deeply loved by those that I love the most. That I will lose the things and people I care for the most. Of course, all of these things are unfounded, lies straight from Satan and his forces. No matter how much I know that these are exactly opposite of the truth in my head, however, I have been having a hard time believing and feeling that in my heart. I need to learn from Hannah who waited on God's timing, perfect as it is, not even knowing when things will be or how they will come to fruition.  Hope is that thing that I hold on to almost unceasingly, keeping in mind that things will get better.  And if it is meant to be then God will allow it... if it's meant to be it WILL happen, in His time.  Hope is a beautiful thing that I *hope* I will never lose sight of.  It is what drives me to not lose heart and keep pushing on for the next greatest thing in my life, whatever that may be.  This too is a thing to be had and an act to participate in.

Which brings us to the third thing: love.  Love.  So broad a term.  Like faith and hope, a thing and an act.  Always grounded in a person (and sometimes a thing).  It is broad and grandiose.  Beautiful.  Unattainable and undeserved yet so powerful.  The Bible speaks so much of love and its different forms, though I would never have enough time to discuss its depths with you.  To put it simply, there are three levels of love (with persons): a friendship, a commitment, and the physical.  It is a tower that must not be inverted in any fashion.  Each level depends on the first.  Not only is love the greatest because of its broadness and all that it encompasses, but it is the grandest because of its power.  Love can conquer all!  Also think of it this way: love is so great that it includes faith and hope!!  One cannot love if there is no hope in that love or the object of that love.  One cannot love if there is no faith either. I am certain that there is more to love than this.  It is so grand that I cannot even begin to grasp it in my own mind, much less explain it to you.  So I plead with you to do as I am attempting to do, as God instructed me to do: "love deeply and do not be afraid."  Fear is the antithesis of love.  As love conquers all, fear destroys all.

 ...Love deeply and do not be afraid!

Image borrowed from flickr.com

Patience in Waiting

Funny thing, patience is. I have found it cannot be had without peace - yet another thing that is curious to understand. I fear I will never be able to truly practice it, much less understand it. Either of them. I have been able to experience them both to a great extent recently, however, and discovered many things. These things I have pondered and still cannot grasp. It has given me a new and deeper meaning to Philippians 4:7, where Paul says that God will give a peace that surpasses all comprehension (with prayer 4:6). Yes, it is too large to understand. But I truly believe, from experience, that it means much more than even that!