Hope Come Again

What is it about hope that is so... compelling? I find myself saying it countless times in normal conversations every single day. And I find myself stuck in huge hopes that only leave me empty and disappointed. The thing about hope is that it is single-handily one of the most painful things in the world if the hope is not fulfilled. If the person or thing that you are hoping in to follow through or go the way you want it to indeed does not follow through.

Of course, there is One that has, does, and always will follow through. In Him we can always trust. But what about the hope we have in our loved ones, in beautiful plans we have made, in dreams we have crafted? Are we not to have these, as they can easily become things of this world? Or is there something beautiful that will one day come from the pain? Are we not to hope because of the almost innevitable pain? Or are we to stay optimistic slinkies, always bouncing back in delight, holding onto the hopes we have and going from one hope to the next? I seem to be stuck in these conflicts, wondering if I will ever escape. If I will ever see these hopes I have indeed come to fruition. And what gorgeous hopes they are, and what terrible let-downs they could become...

Pendulum Reaction

She's been riding a pendulum for some time now. It will not ease up, not slow down for anything. One moment she is flying high, and the next she has hit rock bottom. There is no warning. The only consistency in her life is that her disposition will change to the opposite of the one she is in now. She wonders if there is something wrong with her? Why can't she find a happy medium in her life? She fights to live in the middle ground, but in fighting she is only the pushing the pendulum into a higher speed than it was not long ago. She urges to slow down and somehow catches up speed in the process.

Her emotions deceive her. Maybe this is what life is really like and nobody told her otherwise? Either way, something has to change - life can't be lived like this, can it? Not healthy.

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When she finally does find a remedy and gets the nourishment her body has always needed and had been lacking, she feels still as though something isn't right. It is right, but she's not used to it. She misses her mood swings in an odd way, as repulsive as they are. Guesses this is what it is like when Satan entices you. Tempts you. She can understand how appealing things can be twisted to fuel a person's desire and bring them to ruin. But how can something so terrible in her life have been twisted to feel so good and so terrible all at once? She can't understand. But she must get used to the middle. The middle is where she's supposed to be. Somewhere around there anyways... That is the place she can really thrive and be who she was made to be. And she must!

How Far?

To be quite honest, I'm not much in a writing mood today. But things have definitey been on my mind. Much too many to write here. Much to personal to share with the world. But something that was talked about last night with the students at Brentwood I feel needs to reiterated, especially in our culture. We are in the middle of the sex series and asked the students to define their "limits". How far is too far before you cross the line or jump into the fire? I'd like to pose the same question not only in the area of sex, but in life in general.

I'm sure you've heard before that it is better to build a fence at the top of the cliff than it is to build a hospital at the bottom. Better to prevent tragic things from happening, from ruining our lives and the lives of those around us than to have to clean up the mess afterwards. Not that we can't clean up the mess (with forgiveness, love, and care), but isn't it better to not have to deal with all that to begin with?

Don't get me wrong, life is worth taking some risks, but some things are definitely not worth the risk. Some things are meant to be left alone. So in the areas of purity and other things as such, why not ask "How far away can I stay?" instead of "How close can I get?" Seems kind of silly to inch your way closer and closer to the jaws of death when you know very well that you do not want to die (or jump into anything else that may follow, not necessarily death) when you can just avoid it altogether.

I think this is what Paul was talking about when he said to throw off everything that slows us down and all the sins that trip us up (Hebrews 12:1). This doesn't mean to put it further down in our backpacks so they are harder to access. No, it means to chuck it head-long across the room. Stay as far away from it as possible so we can live the life God has called us to. How much harder it would be to run across the room to pick it back up than to fumble through our bags or reach down to the ground beside us where we kept such things "away" but ever so close to us.

While we may never be able to erase our struggles from our memories, thoughts, emotions... we can attempt to completely avoid them instead of staying close by just waiting for when they will trip us up yet again. I think sometimes we... I... make life so much harder than it really is by keeping such struggles, fears, temptations, so close by my side as if they were a prized possession instead of discarding it far from me as though they were repulsive, as they are...

Faithful as the Morning

There's a song that's been stuck in my head since yesterday morning. Phil Wickham makes a very valid point. One that hits home and makes more sense than I can even tell! Check out the deep beauty in these lyrics:

"Come close, listen to the story about a love more faithful than the morning. The Father gave His only Son just to save us.

"The earth was shaking in the dark. All creation felt the Father's broken heart. Tears were filling heaven's eyes the day that True Love died. The day that True Love died. When blood and water hit the ground, walls we couldn't move came crashing down. We were free and made alive the day that True Love died. The day that True Love died.

"Search your heart, you know you can't deny it. Come on, lose your life just so you can find it. The Father gave His only Son just to save us..."

Pretty intense, huh? At least, if you really think about the depth there it is! There is so much I could get into here. So much theology and Truth, emanating from Scripture and written into these lyrics. The thing that's been boggling my mind, however, is the very first line. "Come close, listen to the story about a love more faithful than the morning." How faithful IS the morning? Really?

Think about it - was there every a day you can honestly look back and say, "There was no morning that day. Just night, no morning." NO! That doesn't even make logical sense. A day cannot exist without a morning because the beginning of a day is marked by morning. How, then, could we tell if it were a day or not without the morning? Maybe you didn't experience the morning. Maybe you were asleep. But it is there. Always has been, always will be, until the day the earth no longer exists. Every morning you will wake up and get ready for work or move around the house, or whatever you do. NO MATTER WHAT! I can guarantee you there was never one single day you, your parents, your grandparents, and even your ancestors went without a morning. And your descendants will have it to. It can be counted on for sure!

However, there was this one day... The day the sun stood still. Joshua 10:12-14 say this: "On the day the Lord gave the Amorites over to Israel, Joshua said to the Lord in the presence of Israel: 'O sun, stand still over Gibeon, O moon, over the Valley of Aijalon.' So the sun stood still, and the moon stopped, till the nation avenged itself on its enemies, as it is written in the Book of Jashar. The sun stopped in the middle of the sky and delayed going down about a full day. There has never been a day like it before or since, a day when the Lord listened to a man. Surely the Lord was fighting for Israel!"
So as faithful as the morning is, there was a day it did not come... a night it did not come. A day continued and a night prolonged, but no morning for a full day. And yet we can always count on it, without any fault whatsoever. The morning came today. The morning will come tomorrow. But there was a day it did not come. Not so with God.

God's love is MORE faithful than even the morning that we can count on to come every day. But there was a time it, in a way, was not faithful (even though it was for good). See... God's love is more than that. There never was, is, or will be a time where His love is not here for us. Pretty powerful if you ask me! If only I knew how to truly express it with the power that it has in my head...


(Side joke: Ever feel like you're always catching up? Like you're always a day behind? Well technically you are! You can blame it on Joshua if you want. :P haha corny I know).

Clarity

Sometimes the mountains in the distance can be seen with great clarity. Their lines and their colors are so crisp to be seen. We all know that there are also other days that the mountains on the horizon are misted and clouded over with a variety of different things - whether it be a storm, fog, or something so simple and dense as humidity. And I speak not just literally but figuratively as well.

The Blue Ridge mountains simply took my breath away this morning coming down one such mountain into the valley I call home. Their clarity had almost reached perfection. I feel as the mountains and valleys in my life, however, have been draped with a dense blanket, prohibiting me from seeing anything whatsoever. And with each one I climb, I myself make them different. I feel as though I somehow manage to make each mountain bigger than it already is. So not only can I not really see them, but I can also never seem to get over them because they are only ever growing in size and might...

Open Airwaves

Communication. We all do it. Often we fail to do it, or at least fail to do it effectively. But it is key to this thing we call life. Key to every single relationship we will ever find ourselves in - professionally, with our families, friends, romantic relationships, and so on. So why do we run from it? Why are we just okay with struggling with it and being poor communicators?

Communication comes in all shapes and sizes. Verbal, visual, physical. The list goes on. It is not just words, but the way the words are used. The way you present yourself. Body language as well as written and verbal language. While we will never be masters, we should try all the time to become masters of it. Besides, it must be important because the Bible talks about communication more than most any other topic - the power of the mouth.

So what are you afraid of? Maybe you're like me, and you're afraid of pushing people away by saying or doing things that may hurt a loved one's feelings and in turn you will be shut out or rejected, feeling unloved and unwanted. Or maybe you're like others who are simply not open because being vulnerable and living life in the raw can be so hard and so painful.

After a long and deep conversation last night I can honestly say that I am going to try and put these fears out. More times than not, these fears are unrealistic. Think about it, if you really love someone and they communicate something difficult with you, are you going to push them away or is it going to draw you closer? I know if it were me, I would pull them in closer to me, making the love grow deeper! So why should I be afraid that when I'm on the other end that I will be pushed away instead of pulled in? How silly!

Trust me, they want to know what you're going through - good and bad. Trust. Believe. Open up. Be yourself. There is probably nothing you could say or do, if it is real, that would make them reject you or that would offend them in any way lasting. And that's how beautiful relationships are when they are being lived out the way they are meant to be and in God's will!


So now I set out on a journey to be utterly open to the one(s) that matter most. To have a more healthy view of myself and trust in the fact that the love is there and will not turn me away but pull me in even deeper into this thing that is one of the most wonderful things I have ever come by here on earth! It will be hard and painful but oh so beautiful the same!!

Ups and Downs

I had an interesting though last night after having talked about change and simply the way life tends to go with all of its ups and downs and ins and outs. Some advice Hal gave me also came to mind. It was all sparked by a song by Kendall Payne called "Ups and Downs". Check out the lyrics, I find them all quite profound:

"All that I've found through the ups and the downs is that I'd have it no other way. Life in the raw is both fragile and strong. It's both lovely and ugly the same. Who can attest that when they're at their best, oh their worst is still crouching close behind. It's coming to peace with the darkness in me that allows the true light inside to shine.

"So let it go; we are still far from home, though you try and you try to escape. To live and to love will always be dangerous. But it's better than playing it safe.

"We are composed of a symphony of notes. Every life is as music to His ears. I'll play my melody, be it haunting, be it sweet. Unashamed of what anyone might hear.

"So when the load breaks your back and your will, you must still keep your heart in the game. To live and to love will always be dangerous. But it's better than playing it safe.

"So let it go when you don't feel like home, when inside is your only escape. To live and to love will always be dangerous. But would you want it any other way?"

Lots to think about in there... She's right though. Would you really want it any other way? I honestly don't think I would. Yes, life and love can be painful - dangerous even - but it's all totally worth it. And it is SO much better than playing things safely. Life is all about risk and full of intimidating situations. But if there was no struggle, would it be as rewarding? We live in a great irony of beauty and filth all mixed into one. It really is a beautiful mess. So... play your melody. No matter what tone it is, what dissonance there may be, or how out of tun and off beat you are. Your Creator finds it... you... breathtakingly beautiful, even in the screw ups. And don't be ashamed of who you are. The darkness we live and work and play in allows the light to really shine instead of just barely being seen (could write a whole other blog on just that)!

Think about the mountains and the valleys in life. Wouldn't the earth be boring if it were flat-lands everywhere? No, instead there are rises and falls. Ebbs and flows. Creeks, streams, and waterfalls that cut gracefully into the land to make a masterpiece. We are no different.

And another thing. Take some time today to go read Colossians 3:1-17 or another of the many passages in Scripture that has to do with unity in the Body of Christ. Think about that - unity. Think about the song you are writing and orchestrating for all to hear, even your Maker. Is it haunting or is it sweet? Are you the cause for that or are your circumstances? What can you do to make it a little more melodic and pleasing to the ears?

Oh yeah, and the advice that Hal gave me was this: "It's all about your mindset." and "Just be yourself, it's usually better that way." (Few of his many wise tidbits of advice :) And I leave you with this... Would you really have it any other way? Or would you dare to venture out and change something?

Changing Colors

It amazes me to think that things can change so quickly. In the blink of an eye. Without warning and without hesitation. Sometimes it's positive, yes. Change for the better. But sometimes not so much. I find it often hard to differentiate between two. To delineate when this change occurs, how, and why.

But it does happen, whether it be the slightest change in temperature or the weather. Change in the color of things; change in the sky. Change of emotions. Change of heart. Change of mind. Change of clothes. Change of sheets. Change of friends. Change of job. The list is endless. Things are ALWAYS changing. Most of which we have limited control over, if any at all, which is probably a good thing. Though I find I want to change that fact all the time, because I want control. I want to change the circumstances around me that are changing all the time. Kinda ironic, huh?

So why not change our mindset within all of this instead of fighting a battle we cannot win (to change our circumstances per se)? Because while we do not have control of our changing circumstances, we do have control of our responses. We will experience all the colors of the rainbow in our lifetime, also meaning that we experience all kinds of storms and all kinds of sunlight. But why not enjoy these things and be enthralled with them instead of worrying our way through the storms, and even through the sunshine and rainbows in fear of the next imminent storm?

And furthermore, we must always remember that there is one thing, nay one Person, who does not change. Who will always chase you, persue you, love you, delight in you, provide for you, be a shoulder for you, and a laugh... He is everything we could ever dream or ask for and so much more! And he's not gonna change a bit - He simply CAN'T change! In this world of change, we have one Constant with which to guide our lives. And what a wonderful Constant He is!

Time Away and Coming Back

Okay. So I have admittedly neglected my post here for some time now. I have thought about logging in but have failed to "find" or make the time between all the happenings of life. I honestly found, what I thought, were a few things more important. I got to thinking this morning, however, that in a way they are not as important. While in other ways they are far exceedingly greater.

You see, such things have been school, and work, and church - the given things in life. But my life has also been consumed with family, an essential. And spending as much time as God allows with my boyfriend, however that may look on that given day. Also building deep relationships with the girls in my small group, whom I love very dearly! These I must have. I thrive on these things, relationships. But in a way, consuming myself with these things and failing to write - whether privately or publicly here - is almost selfish in a way. Who may read a blog (or my journal one day when I am dead and gone from this earth) that may need an encouraging word or a provoking nudge to kick it into a new gear and dimension of life?

Truthfully, I may never know. It could be nobody. But it could be somebody. Somebody who God wants me to unknowingly reach out to and make even a small difference, if not a large one, in their life right now. Not every 3 or 4 months when I'm "bored" or the time "happens" to be there or the I just so happen to be in the "mood" to write something "profound". There's more to it than that. The time is now. God's Kingdom is here - we are living in it NOW. The different lives Christ called us to live? Yeah, that's now, not when it just so happens to show up in our lives. It absolutely must be intentional. And an intentional change in me means an potential intentional change guided by God's Spirit for others.

People are watching. People are listening. What do they see and hear emanating from you? Or do they see and hear nothing whatsoever? The choice is yours... mine... every day: selfish or selfless?